by Mary Ellen Brayton, MA, LLPC, NCC
The Family Center asked me if I would like to write an article about being "family centered" or how "family is the center of our lives". I thought a lot about her wording and the importance of the underlying message. Is my family the center of my life? How do I spend the majority of my time? Am I really "there" for my children or am I thinking about the office or the next activity? Am I texting or reading emails when they ask me a question? Am I rushing through my daily activities but never stopping to enjoy my day?
While getting my masters degree I studied family therapy. Virginia Satir is one of the key figures in the development of family therapy. Satir believed that a healthy family life involved an open and reciprocal sharing of affection, feelings, and love. One of my favorite quotes from her sums this up: "Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible -- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family."
What a motto to live by. If every family did, think what life would be like? But the stress and strain of everyday life sometimes wears us down. We can become short fused, opinionated, inflexible and unforgiving. Our children not only learn from what we say (even though they don't appear to be listening) but more importantly from what we do. Children make us better people. If we want them to look up to us we have to act in ways that are worthy of such admiration - not by word but action.
If we had to narrow parenting down to one item, the single most important thing a child can learn from their parent is love, and love is spelled T-I-M-E. Family needs to become the center of our life - the heart, the hub, the core. A funny quote I saw somewhere comes to mind: "No man on his deathbed has ever looked up into the eyes of his family and friends and said I wish I spent more time at the office".
One of our goals this year should be to consciously spend more time together and to treat our family as we would our friends. Schedule some family time once per week. Dinner together, game night and movies are always good, but here are some other ideas you might not have thought of depending on the ages of your children:
- Create a family cookbook by asking family members for their favorite recipes - they can be made into presents too
- Hold your own American Idol show - use a karaoke and kind judging!
- Play charades - makeup your own topics and divide into teams
- Make dinner together and take turns picking out movies - stay in and warm
- Volunteer together as a family - help others and build a sense of pride together
- Make a family banner where everyone expresses themselves and display it
- Start a family newsletter online to keep extended family members up on all your activities. Take turns editing and writing and add some pictures
- Make a date with each child - plan a special breakfast or dinner one on one to reconnect. This is great with older kids too.
Ten years ago a friend sent me this poem by Diane Loomans. It's still hanging, tattered and torn, in my kitchen. You've probably seen it - but it's definitely worth repeating.
If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd finger-paint more and point the finger less.
I'd do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I'd run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd teach less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love
Take time this year to prioritize what's important. Kids grow up all too quickly and before too long they are off to college and beginning lives of their own.
Mary Ellen is the former Program Director of The Family Center and is now a therapist in private practice working with adults and adolescents. Visit her website at www.maryellenbrayton.com or email her at mebratyonllpc@comcast.net.
