How can parents encourage discussion, cooperation and independence?
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish created a series of books for parents using a comic book and checklist format that is both easy to use and effective. These books continue to offer parents effective strategies for raising children. In response to questions asked below are some of the highlights.
Can parents do anything to foster honest communication with their children?
Children talk openly when they believe adults are listening and not judging or fixing.
- STOP talking and listen. Parents appear much more empathetic when they give their full attention, use appropriate facial expressions and short phrases like, "Oh!" or "I see."
- Allow children to express discomfort without explaining, justifying or condemning the behavior of the child or others.
- Try not to focus on making uncomfortable feelings go away - children must learn for themselves that uncomfortable feelings are part of life and are often learning tools.
Children will be more independent if parents let them solve their own problems.
- Ask children what choices they have when they share a problem, rather than telling them what to do.
- Help them consider consequences of each choice but let them make the decision regarding how to proceed, even if you feel their choice is not the best.
- Refrain from being your child's 'lawyer'. Support the decisions of teachers, neighbors and other adults when your child has made a mistake.
Children will be more cooperative if they feel they are a productive member of their school and their family.
- Be honest with your children about your expectations and why household tasks and schoolwork are important.
- Ask children to do chores with you (shopping, laundry, yard work) rather than assigning them tasks. This time can be spent learning how to do tasks as well as spending "quality" time together.
- Allow children as much choice as you can regarding when or how tasks are done.
- Refrain from critical comments when work is completed.
Children will be more responsible if expectations are clear, they are encouraged to make amends for misbehavior and if consequences make sense to them.
- Whenever possible help your children find a way to make amends for their misbehavior; repairing damage, apologizing or working through a solution with another party.
- Use written contracts to define academic expectations, chores and consequences if expectations are not met.
- Keep all consequences as logical as possible, for example poor grades might indicate a child needs to attend after school help (Homework Help or 7th hour) rather than being grounded.
- When disciplining always make sure your child's dignity is kept in tact. Embarrassing a child in front of others will usually result in increased misbehavior.
Susan Fell is the school social worker at Brownell and Parcells Middle Schools. She received her Master's Degree in Social Work from Arizona State University and her School Social Work Certification from Wayne State. Susan attended Poupard, Parcells and graduated from Grosse Pointe North. She has worked in the Grosse Pointe School District for ten years, and has facilitated parent education workshops, parent coffees and student educational groups. Susan was instrumental in the establishment of The Family Center of Grosse Pointe and Harper Woods and served on the Board of The Family Center for six years. She has also participated in the Grosse Pointe Youth Summit. Susan has worked as a Youth Employment Coordinator, Vocational Specialist and has done individual and family counseling. Susan and JoEllen Cumpata, speech pathologist, have coauthored a social skills curriculum for children with Autism and other language and developmental delays.
Married for 28 years with two grown children, Susan understands the challenges and rewards of family life. She welcomes opportunities to brainstorm and problem-solve with parents and others interested in raising healthy, happy and productive children. She can be reached at susan.fell@gpschools.org or 313-432-3916.
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