Q: I think that my 7 yr old is capable of making some of her own decisions. How can I help her solve her own problems without having a meltdown or a behavioral "explosion"?
A: Helping your child become an active part in solving her own problems is one of the more important things that you can teach your daughter. The earlier in life that our children can begin to solve their own problems, the better are the chances of success in later life.
"Kids will do well if they can" is a belief that if a child is experiencing challenges, it is our job as parents, teachers, caretakers, along with the child, to figure out "what might be getting in the way". Many times, the "what might be getting in the way" is a thinking skill(s) that the child may be lacking or is underdeveloped.
An approach that has been evolving over the last few years suggests that there are three main ways adults can handle childhood challenges:
- "Plan A" is the classic "my way or the highway approach" or the adult imposing their will on the child. This includes rewards and consequences, timeouts, spanking and other means to get a child to comply. The biggest drawback with this approach is that children are not taught any skills other than to be compliant. For kids with more severe behavioral challenges, a "Plan A" approach leads to meltdowns and noncompliant behavior.
- "Plan C" is where we let go of our expectations of the child, which should remove stressors that contribute to behavioral challenge. Many parents know this as "choosing our battle". But what does this approach teach a child?
- "Plan B", in which the adult engages the child in a process of problem solving, is the crucial piece to Collaborative Problem Solving. The adult works to help the child to identify and express their specific concern. What then follows is to identify the adult's concern. Then the parent and child work together to identify mutually acceptable and realistic solutions. Engaging the child directly in this process indirectly helps the child develop skills that he/she is lacking. The process also strengthens the parent/child relationship by allowing the child to experience the adult as supportive vs. adversarial.
Using this approach, I have witnessed the empathy that can be built in parents and teachers when they adopt the "kids will do well if they can" belief. I have found great success in helping children become an active part in solving their own problems.
Collaborative Problem Solving: "Plan B" details
Q. I am attempting to engage my 6 year old son in solving his own problems to decrease the frequency of his 'meltdowns'. I've heard of an approach that includes children in the problem-solving process called Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS). In using this approach, what are the steps?
A. You are to be commended for wanting to get your son involved in beginning to solve his own problems! The skill(s) that you are teaching him will go a long way at ensuring his success later in life. Whether that is dealing with problems at school, successfully transitioning from elementary to middle (and later to high school), or managing conflict in his daily life, you are helping your son develop critical thinking skills.
Keep in mind the three ways that parents respond to their child's behavioral difficulties:
- Plan A: the adult imposes their will upon the child - many 'discipline' approaches utilize this plan (rewards & consequences, timeout, spanking, etc.)
- Plan B: the adult involves the child in the problem-solving process and work out the problem together to find a solution that is mutually acceptable
- Plan C: for whatever reason, the adult temporarily drops the behavioral expectation of the child and allows the child to have their way
Using Plan B consistently and proactively is what the Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) approach is all about. Let's not wait until something happens and then use Plan B! CPS is not a 'quick fix' to a child's behavioral challenge.
The three steps in effectively using this Plan B are:
- Step 1: The adult verbalizes empathy towards the child. The most basic way to show empathy is to repeat your child's concern to him sticking closely to his own words.
- Step 2: Identifying the child's concern AND the adult's concern.
- Step 3: The adult and the child problem solving together (eg, "Let's work this out together so that we are both satisfied" or "Let's think about how we can work this out so we are both satisfied.")
I have had success using the strategy of collaborating with a child in solving his/her own problems. Used consistently and proactively over time, the adult models appropriate problem solving for the child. This approach has been shown to be effective with children of all ages.
Children will do good if they can - and if they are not, something is getting in the way. A benefit to using Collaborative Problem Solving is that the child is developing skills that overcome the 'something that is getting in the way'!
Ted Kasper is a member of The Family Center's Association of Professionals. He is a licensed social worker in Macomb County who is employed by Macomb County Community Mental Health as Training Coordinator. In his private practice, he provides counseling to children, adolescents, adults and families. He specializes in Behavior Analysis & Interventions; Parent Coaching, Mentoring and Support and "SuperNanny Services" (behavioral observation, action planning, and interventions). Contact him at 586.255.2259, tedkasper@comcast.net or visit www.familyactionplan.com for more details.
SAVE THE DATE
"Parenting the Middle School Years: Guidance on Helping Students Make Successful Transitions"
Thurs. April 22, 2010 (7:00pm)
Presenters: Ted Kasper, MA, LMSW and Susan Fell, LMSW
Brownell Middle School Library, 260 Chalfonte, Grosse Pointe Farms
No Fee
RSVP by April 15 to help us plan seating@ 313.432.3832
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