How to make the Shift in Life

Ask The Experts by Sadie Bolos O'Neill, The Bolos Academy

Q: I'm a married mother of three, work full-time and find it so hard to keep balance in my life. I feel so overwhelmed and stressed all the time. I'm looking for ways to relax and enjoy my life more, can you help?

A: Stress is a part of our lives everyday. Are you operating under functional or dysfunctional stress? We all experience functional levels of stress. Planning a wedding, attending a high school reunion, taking an exam, interviewing for a job are all examples of functional stress. When we begin to experience physical and emotional set backs, such as health issues, depression, ongoing anger and behavioral outbursts, that indicates dysfunctional stress that falls below the level of balance on the continuum scale of functional stress.

So how do we stabilize the level of stress, holding it at a functional level? How do we channel stress into as a positive motivator and use it to facilitate positive, change?

Step 1: We Make the Shift

The shift begins in our thinking. The shift begins by first reframing the stressful situation as an opportunity. Review the situation at hand and accurately and honestly identify what is really going on. Most often Stress is escalated by change. Most of us do not embrace change. We resist and deny change. The Shift means we look at challenges along with change as an opportunity to grow.

STEP 2: Let it Go

Continuing to resolve the situation along that same path is not working. Most likely it is causing more stress and little satisfaction in your life. It's time to let it go and find a new approach. That may involve talking with a family member, seeking expert advice, reading an informative book, taking a class, looking for new sources of information or all of the above. All of these are coping resources for stress. Over time you will identify which are best for you. Once you have embraced the change, you can look back and reach a new level of appreciation by observing what you have learned. You are now ready for...

STEP 3: Moving On

Moving on is an opportunity to grow with introspection for the future. Ask yourself...how can I now serve others and what was the gift I received through this change. When you are able to see the gift, you have truly moved on to a place of healing and growth. Sadie Bolos O'Neill founder of The Bolos Academy is a speaker/author with 19 years experience as business/staff development consultant/coach. She can be reached at: 313.605.3850 or sadie@sadiebolos.com, visit her Website: www.sadiebolos.com.

Save the Date: Eliminate Stress at Home and in Your Life An Evening of Information & Inspiration featuring: Sadie Bolos, The Bolos Academy, Christina Pitts and Colleen Carnell, Pitts-Aldrich & Associates and Anna Russo, Success Strategies. Thursday, Oct. 8, 7 to 9 p.m. Barnes Early Childhood Center 20090 Morningside, Grosse Pointe Woods No Fee. Register by Oct. 1 @ 313.432.3832

The Family Center, a 501(c) 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's centralized hub for information, resources and referral for families and professionals. To view more Ask The Experts articles, please visit familycenterweb.org. Email questions to info@familycenterweb.org.

To volunteer or contribute, visit familycenterweb.org or call 313.432.3832.

The Family Center 20090 Morningside Drive, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI 48236

The Phoenix Challenge: Rising to Fulfillment

By Christina Pitts, President - PITTS-ALDRICH ASSOCIATES

Last Summer I was invited to write a chapter for Discover Your Inner Strength with notable contributors including Stephen Covey and Ken Blanchard. Immediately what came to mind was the image of a Phoenix rising, and I knew I would write about embracing challenge as opportunity for personal growth.

As many of us know, the Phoenix is a mythological bird that descends into a fire of its own making, and in the throes of death is reborn, transforming into a new and more powerful, more beautiful magnificence. In Chinese mythology, the Phoenix represents virtue, power, and prosperity; in some myths, the Firebird's tears heal all wounds.

The myth of the Phoenix teaches us that at times of challenge we must consciously and intentionally descend to the depths, enduring the chaos, confusion, pain, in order to ascend as someone stronger. The learning, while we're descending into our inner selves, yields enlightenment, so that when opportunity knocks, we're there to open the door to an enriched outcome.

I encourage us to embrace challenge as a constructive force enabling us to become stronger. If we choose to meet challenge head-on and determine to accept it with grace --to understand and learn from the process-- the yield will be bountiful: greater wisdom, new vigor to generate desirable outcomes, renewed sense of achievement and accomplishment, rediscovered pride in personal competence.

I invite you now to think about something challenging you. Ask yourself: "Am I willing to devote time, effort, energy to create a positive outcome?" If so, you're taking the first step toward embracing challenge. And you can learn more immediately by attending The Family Center's Ask the Experts event this evening, October 8, 7 to 9 p.m. at Barnes Elementary School.

Look for my next column on The Phoenix Challenge. Meanwhile, consider this from the Japanese poet, Masahide: "The barn has burned to the ground. Now I can see the moon."

Christina Pitts is a Consultant to businesses and nonprofits, as well as an Executive and Personal Coach & Mentor. Her background as an Educator, Business Executive, Lawyer and Volunteer; as a Motivational Trainer; as an Organ Donor; and as a Poet, Novelist and Speaker bring a colorful mosaic of experience to her engagements. Contact Christina @ 313.881.3433; christina@pittsaldrichassociates.com, or visit www.pittsaldrichassociates.com.

Save the Date:
Eliminate Stress at Home and in Your Life
An Evening of Information & Inspiration featuring: Sadie Bolos, The Bolos Academy, Christina Pitts and Colleen Carnell, Pitts-Aldrich & Associates and Anna Russo, Success Strategies.
Thursday, Oct. 8, 7 to 9 p.m.
Barnes Early Childhood Center
20090 Morningside, Grosse Pointe Woods
No Fee. Register by Oct. 1 @ 313.432.3832

The Family Center, a 501(c) 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's centralized hub for information, resources and referral for families and professionals.
To view more Ask The Experts articles, please visit our website www.familycenterweb.org.

Please email your questions to info@familycenterweb.org
To volunteer or contribute, visit familycenterweb.org or call 313.432.3832.
20090 Morningside Drive, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI 48236

Are You Parenting Positively?

Ask The Experts by Anna Russo, NLP Trainer, Author, and Life Coach

Parenting can often seem so overwhelming; that we want to turn to experts for advice and just follow "good rules of parenting". Most parents want to have a deep connection with their children. Some succeed, some don't. What makes the difference? How would you like to find out?

Step into this scene: Family members showing love and cooperation to each other! All are listening, respecting, and responding to each other's requests! Everyone feeling content because they belong to our "special family". Sounds and feels wonderful, doesn't it?

What is stopping you from creating this family portrait? Perhaps you have been "trying" to solve kid problems as they occur by focusing on what you don't want and getting short-term relief instead of establishing an outcome.

Are you aware that every behavior is trying to fulfill a need? For example, ignoring homework leaves more time to play. Do you know what your child is trying to fulfill when he/she is misbehaving? Here are some tips to help you.

1. First interrupt, limit or stop the unwanted behavior - as quickly and as calmly as possible.
2. Find the positive intention of the unwanted behavior. Ask the question, "What is it that you are trying to do?" "What is it that you really want?"
3. Agree with or acknowledge the child's positive intention. "It's important to protect your things and-"
4. Help the child find other ways to achieve his positive intention. "How else could you accomplish that?" With young children, it can be useful to make suggestions for the child to consider. (For example, "After you clean your room, we don't have to discuss it anymore.")

Some parents believe that the children should know that they are loved. In those families the only time they address the kids is when they don't like their behavior. If we only address unwanted behavior, children gradually learn to think of themselves as "mean", "bad", or "unloved". Conflict starts between kids and parents. They feel criticized and unaccepted; the result is either withdrawal or rebellion. In contrast, using the four steps mentioned above enables you to help the child identify her positive intention and find another solution.

The long-term effects of parenting positively are:

• The child thinks of themselves as having good intentions, in contrast to being "aggressive" or "bad". This adds to a positive self-esteem.
• The child eventually will come to think of other children in the same way - even when they do things that he/she does not like, they realize that there is a good intention.
• The child learns to automatically think of alternative solutions and use their creative resources whenever there is a problem to be solved.

Many of the methods are useful in changing difficulties after they have begun. It is also possible to utilize the same principles to help children get a good start in life. Try applying these ideas as a first step to parenting positively.

Anna Russo is a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Trainer, Author and Life Coach. Russo has been successfully conducting workshops for parents and teachers for 19 years. NLP is the study of how the brain translates words into actions. It teaches us to detect the strategies that people use. Some strategies work, some do not. When one recognizes the strategies that they and others use, only then, are they able to change what doesn't work to ensure the desired outcome. For more information, Russo can be reached at 248-528-0753 or annaru@comcast.net or visit her website www.successstrategiesnlp.com.

Save the Date:
Eliminate Stress at Home and in Your Life
An Evening of Information & Inspiration featuring: Sadie Bolos, The Bolos Academy, Christina Pitts and Colleen Carnell, Pitts-Aldrich & Associates and Anna Russo, Success Strategies.
Thursday, Oct. 8, 7 to 9 p.m.
Barnes Early Childhood Center
20090 Morningside, Grosse Pointe Woods
No Fee. Register by Oct. 1 @ 313.432.3832

The Family Center, a 501(c) 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's centralized hub for information, resources and referral for families and professionals. To view more Ask The Experts articles, please visit www.familycenterweb.org. Please email questions to info@familycenterweb.org.

To volunteer or contribute, visit www.familycenterweb.org or call 313.432.3832.

The Family Center 20090 Morningside Drive, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI 48236

Advice to Parents on Preventing Teen Alcohol and Drug Use

by Lori Egan Josephs

Q: As a parent of a teenager, what steps can I take to prevent them from wanting to start using alcohol and drugs?

A: The teen years are such an influential time of a person's life. Almost every kid will have to make a decision at some point on whether to try alcohol or drugs. When you look at the facts and trends still taking place with teenage drinking, you can not ignore this major health issue.

According to the CDC; "Alcohol is the most commonly used and abused drug among youth in the United States, more than tobacco and illicit drugs. Although drinking by persons under the age of 21 is illegal, people aged 12 to 20 years drink 11% of all alcohol consumed in the United States."

When it comes to underage drinking, you must be proactive, not reactive. You need to set the stage long before your kids will be in a position to say no to drinking or drugs. Here are some things you can do to help give your kids the best defense against drinking:

1. Start the conversation about alcohol and drugs early - Do not wait until they are a teen.
2. Be a healthy example - Kids will look at your own behavior when it comes to drinking or attitude towards drinking.
3. Educate them on the consequences of underage drinking - Don't just tell them they can not drink, back it up with facts, along with the legal problems.
4. Provide them with healthy alternatives to drinking - Sports, arts, or any activity they love that will give them an outlet and make them feel good about themselves. Lack of self-esteem plays a role in why kids drink.
5. Give them consistency - Kids need and actually want structure, rules and discipline.
6. Know your kids friends, as well as their parents - Teens who drink, drink with their friends. Make sure you know as much as you can about their friends and get to know their parents.
7. Offer them a solid family foundation - Whatever your family situation is, make your kids feel safe and secure.
8. Explain the disease of alcoholism - Let your kids know the facts about alcoholism. Specially, if it runs in your family, and what makes an alcoholic different from a normal drinker.

Unfortunately, there is no 100% way to guarantee your kid will never have a drink or drug during their teenage years. But it has been proven that doing nothing, is a bad strategy; taking action and being a strong force in your child's life will make a difference.

There are many resources available today for parents and teenagers; giving answers and resources to their questions on underage drinking and drug use. As a parent you must set a good example for your own kids. Do not assume that it is other people's problem or that your child is immune to the pressures of drinking.

BOTTOM LINE: Be the parent and make the tough decisions for the well-being of your kid. Be consistent with your rules when it comes to underage drinking, and be a healthy role model.

Lori Josephs is an expert on the disease of alcoholism. From her own experience as a recovering alcoholic; she hopes to teach kids on how to make better choices. For over 12 years, she has been speaking on her experiences to treatment centers, private counseling groups and students. She has a B.S. in Health Care Services and is the founder of "The Center for Successful Living." She is a certified relationship coach; and a member of the speaker's bureau at Brighton Hospital. She serves as an alumni contact for The Betty Ford Center for Southeastern Michigan. Contact her at (248-529-3375),
email: info@thecenterforsuccessfulliving.com or visit www.thecenterforsuccessfulliving.com for more details.

Save The Date for this valuable presentation offered by The Family Center:
Are Your Kids at Risk? Teen Alcohol and Drug Trends
Tuesday, September 29, 2009, 7pm - No Fee
Location: Yeoman Hall, St. Michael's Episcopal Church (20475 Sunningdale Park, Grosse Pointe Woods)
RSVP: 313.432.3832 or info@familycenterweb.org
Go to www.familycenterweb.org to learn more or print the flyer.

The Family Center, a 501(c) 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's centralized hub for information, resources and referral for families and professionals. To view more Ask The Experts articles, please visit www.familycenterweb.org.

Please email questions to info@familycenterweb.org
To volunteer or contribute, visit www.familycenterweb.org or call 313.432.3832.
20090 Morningside Drive, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI 48236

Adolescent Alcohol and Substance Use

by Marquita Bedway, Ph.D. & Kara Brooklier, Ph.D.

Q. Is there an adolescent alcohol and substance use problem in our community?

A. Yes, teen alcohol and substance use is a national problem that, unfortunately, impacts our community. Many local professionals express concern about high risk alcohol and substance use behaviors in our youth. Frequently, teens disclose that they and their friends consume large quantities of alcohol every weekend. Some also report having easy access to prescription medications and illegal drugs. The messages we often hear are that "everyone is doing it" and "it is not a big deal."

However, we have strong data that it is a big deal. Alcohol damages the frontal area of the teen brain, the part of the brain that helps them to control impulses and think about consequences. The damage is most severe in cases of binge drinking (four or more drinks), which is the typical drinking pattern for adolescents. Alcohol and substance use are also associated with increases in sexual and physical victimization, suicide, and medical complications (i.e., alcohol poisoning).

This issue is further complicated by our inability to predict who is at risk of addiction. The data converge that: earlier use is associated with an increased likelihood of subsequent problems, including addiction; availability of alcohol and drugs is a key factor in frequency of use; and; heredity makes one more vulnerable to addiction. Both environment and genetics are involved in adolescent development. We cannot control our children's genes . However, there are ways to address these concerns as a community and collectively we have a responsibility to our teens.

First, do not accept that "everyone is doing it." This is inaccurate and conveys that we believe their use is acceptable, which may result in increased use as teens try to "push the limits." Have discussions about the dangers of binge drinking and substance use. Further, make substances more difficult to obtain, increase supervision, and provide outlets for fun that do not involve alcohol or substances. Finally, we can model for our teens that mind and mood altering substances are not necessary to have a good time.

To learn more, go to http://www.niaaa.nih.gov, or http//www.nida.nih.gov.

Marquita Bedway, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist who practices in Grosse Pointe. She is an adjunct faculty member in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neurosciences at Wayne State University.

Kara Brooklier, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist who practices in the Grosse Pointe and Rochester Hills communities. She is the Director of Autism Training at Children's Hospital of Michigan.

Both are also affiliated with Wayne State University / Children's Hospital of Michigan and can be reached at 313.640.8765.

Save The Date for this valuable presentation offered by The Family Center:
Are Your Kids at Risk? Teen Alcohol and Drug Trends
Tuesday, September 29, 2009, 7pm - No Fee
Location: Yeoman Hall, St. Michael's Episcopal Church (20475 Sunningdale Park, Grosse Pointe Woods)
RSVP: 313.432.3832 or info@familycenterweb.org

The Family Center, a 501(c) 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's centralized hub for information, resources and referral for families and professionals. To view more Ask The Experts articles, please visit www.familycenterweb.org.

Please email questions to info@familycenterweb.org
To volunteer or contribute, visit www.familycenterweb.org or call 313.432.3832.
20090 Morningside Drive, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI 48236

Can I Search My Teen's Room for Drugs?

by Detective/Lieutenant Jim Smith

Q. My 16 year old son's behavior has recently changed. He has been having trouble at school, is violating the curfew that we have set, and running around with a new set of friends. I found an empty prescription container with the label ripped off. I think that he is abusing prescription drugs. As a parent can I search his bedroom?

A. All of your observations about your son are red flags that he may be involved with drugs. Many teens exhibit signs of rebellion but having the three or four significant signs that you have described should put you on alert that drugs could be involved. Other possible indicators of drug use could be your son becoming hostile toward you, is uncooperative with other family members, and losing interest in activities that he used to enjoy.

As far as searching his room - go right ahead. Your son does not have any right to object to your search. Your rights as a parent are superior to the rights of the children that live in the house.

Many parents might question searching a room if their son/daughter is older, such as twenty two years old (or) they are paying rent / room and board. The answer is the same. Go ahead and search, especially if the parent is involved with such things as cleaning their room or doing the laundry, which requires entering the room.

Searching the room may lead you to other questions such as "What if I find something?"

If you find suspected drugs, contraband, or paraphernalia you have some options to explore. The hard line approach would be calling the police and pursuing a possible criminal charge. Under the above circumstances any evidence turned over to the police would likely be admissible in court.

If criminal charges were pursued the parent(s) can work with the court to order their son into treatment or address the problem through other means rather than face criminal charges.

You could also withhold calling the police and convince your son to cooperate with a private drug intervention of your own choosing. If you choose this option it is very important to follow up with calling the police if your son does not cooperate. If you do not follow through your credibility will suffer.

You can also exercise punishment within the household by withholding privileges such as use of a car. This of course does not address the underling issues and is no guarantee that your son will change his behavior.

It is important to know that in cases where the parents are acting as an agent of a police officer, the search in all likelihood would be illegal.

Detective/Lieutenant Jim Smith is a 32 year veteran of the Grosse Pointe Park Police Department. He can be reached at 313-822-4439 or smithj@grossepointepark.org.

Save The Date for this valuable presentation offered by The Family Center:
Are Your Kids at Risk? Teen Alcohol and Drug Trends
Tuesday, September 29, 7pm – No Fee
Location: Yeoman Hall, St. Michael's Episcopal Church (20475 Sunningdale Park, Grosse Pointe Woods)
RSVP: 313.432.3832 or info@familycenterweb.org
Go to www.familycenterweb.org to learn more or print the flyer.

The Family Center, a 501(c) 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's centralized hub for information, resources and referral for families and professionals. To view more Ask The Experts articles, please visit www.familycenterweb.org.

Please email questions to info@familycenterweb.org
To volunteer or contribute, visit www.familycenterweb.org or call 313.432.3832.
20090 Morningside Drive, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI 48236

Expressing Anger & Frustration Towards Our Children

Ask The Experts by Ted Kasper, MA, LMSW

Q: My 6 year old son often does things to anger me. I discipline him by yelling at him, taking things away (like his favorite toy or TV time), or grounding him. Lots of times I say things that I later wish that I hadn't said (or done). What is the best way to let him know that I'm angry and upset with him?

A: It's OK to be angry or frustrated with what he did /didn't do. By expressing your anger or frustration, you're identifying for your son what the expected outcome should've been. That doesn't necessarily mean to yell at him, threaten to or actually take things away or ground him.

Always remember that you are a role model and teacher to your child. He is looking to you to teach him how to respond when HE is angry or frustrated. In expressing anger or frustration, we have two options: stuff it or express it verbally. The problems with stuffing are:

1. your son fails to learn that what he did was not the best way to handle things,
2. you can only stuff for so long before you explode,
3. the inevitable explosion gives your son more reason to look at you than to look inwardly and be responsible for his behavior.

There is a way to express anger or frustration in a way that does not teach inappropriate ways of responding. It can be done in a way that does not "wound their spirit" and allows our kids to keep their dignity intact.

Perhaps you've heard the expression, "less is more"? We will remain calm and only use three sentences when expressing anger or frustration.

Sentence #1 is to describe the situation (in one sentence). Your sentence should speak only to the situation without referring to your son.
Sentence #2 will be to describe how you are feeling (in one sentence). Use "I statements". Instead of telling him how he made you feel, just tell him "I feel _____.
Sentence #3 will be to describe the outcome that we want. We do not tell him what to do (only are giving him a gentle reminder).

Using this 'less is more' consistently, while staying calm, will communicate your anger and model for your son his future responses. It also guarantees that your language shows the same amount of respect that you expect from your son.

Often in the "heat of the moment" it is difficult to remain calm. Think BRAIN:

B=Breathe. Breathe deeply five times. Our brains need oxygen to think clearly - and you
have just given yours a generous helping!
R=Relax. Tell yourself-either out loud or in your head-and your body will do that for you.
A=Ask yourself what you need to be feeling (HINT: calm & in control).
I=Imagine yourself feeling that way.
N=Now - are you feeling calmer?

When parents begin using the "less is more" way to express anger and/or frustration, what do you do if the child does not do what you have asked? Believe it or not, a child often will not do what the parent feels is the desired outcome!

Before doing anything (Remember: BRAIN!), ask yourself these questions (also known as
The Big 4):

1. Has what I am about to do really worked in the past?
2. Is what I am about to do respectful? Remember, you are role model - you are a teacher - your child is watching your response.
3. Does what I am about to do help me to become the parent that you have always wanted to be?
4. What does it teach your child?

I often recommend written reminders for parents who are having a difficult time remembering "less is more", BRAIN or the Big Four (or anything!).

Gentle one-word reminders (such as "CALM", "TEACHER", "3 SENTENCES", etc) on post-it notes in strategic locations throughout the house have proven to be very effective.

Ted Kasper, MA, LMSW is a licensed social worker in Macomb County. He provides counseling to children, adolescents, adults and families. He specializes in Behavior Analysis & Interventions; Parent Coaching, Mentoring and Support and "SuperNanny Services" (behavioral observation, action planning, and interventions). Contact him at 586.255.2259, email tedkasper@comcast.net or visit www.familyactionplan.com for more details.

View Ted Kasper's profile at The Family Center's Association of Professionals.

The Family Center, a 501(c) 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's centralized hub for information, resources and referral for families and professionals.
To view more Ask The Experts articles, please visit www.familycenterweb.org.

Please email questions to info@familycenterweb.org
To volunteer or contribute, visit www.familycenterweb.org or call 313.432.3832.
20090 Morningside Drive, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI 48236