Ask The Experts by Ted Kasper, MA, LMSW
Q: My 6 year old son often does things to anger me. I discipline him by yelling at him, taking things away (like his favorite toy or TV time), or grounding him. Lots of times I say things that I later wish that I hadn't said (or done). What is the best way to let him know that I'm angry and upset with him?
A: It's OK to be angry or frustrated with what he did /didn't do. By expressing your anger or frustration, you're identifying for your son what the expected outcome should've been. That doesn't necessarily mean to yell at him, threaten to or actually take things away or ground him.
Always remember that you are a role model and teacher to your child. He is looking to you to teach him how to respond when HE is angry or frustrated. In expressing anger or frustration, we have two options: stuff it or express it verbally. The problems with stuffing are:
- your son fails to learn that what he did was not the best way to handle things,
- you can only stuff for so long before you explode,
- the inevitable explosion gives your son more reason to look at you than to look inwardly and be responsible for his behavior.
Perhaps you've heard the expression, "less is more"? We will remain calm and only use three sentences when expressing anger or frustration.
Sentence #1 is to describe the situation (in one sentence). Your sentence should speak only to the situation without referring to your son.
Sentence #2 will be to describe how you are feeling (in one sentence). Use "I statements". Instead of telling him how he made you feel, just tell him "I feel _____.
Sentence #3 will be to describe the outcome that we want. We do not tell him what to do (only are giving him a gentle reminder).
Using this 'less is more' consistently, while staying calm, will communicate your anger and model for your son his future responses. It also guarantees that your language shows the same amount of respect that you expect from your son.
Often in the "heat of the moment" it is difficult to remain calm. Think BRAIN:
B=Breathe. Breathe deeply five times. Our brains need oxygen to think clearly - and you
have just given yours a generous helping!
R=Relax. Tell yourself-either out loud or in your head-and your body will do that for you.
A=Ask yourself what you need to be feeling (HINT: calm & in control).
I=Imagine yourself feeling that way.
N=Now - are you feeling calmer?
When parents begin using the "less is more" way to express anger and/or frustration, what do you do if the child does not do what you have asked? Believe it or not, a child often will not do what the parent feels is the desired outcome!
Before doing anything (Remember: BRAIN!), ask yourself these questions (also known as
The Big 4):
- Has what I am about to do really worked in the past?
- Is what I am about to do respectful? Remember, you are role model - you are a teacher - your child is watching your response.
- Does what I am about to do help me to become the parent that you have always wanted to be?
- What does it teach your child?
Gentle one-word reminders (such as "CALM", "TEACHER", "3 SENTENCES", etc) on post-it notes in strategic locations throughout the house have proven to be very effective.
Ted Kasper, MA, LMSW is a licensed social worker in Macomb County. He provides counseling to children, adolescents, adults and families. He specializes in Behavior Analysis & Interventions; Parent Coaching, Mentoring and Support and "SuperNanny Services" (behavioral observation, action planning, and interventions). Contact him at 586.255.2259, email tedkasper@comcast.net or visit www.familyactionplan.com for more details.
View Ted Kasper's profile at The Family Center's Association of Professionals.
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