ASK THE EXPERT: David Votruba, PhD
Q.I recently dropped my son off at college for his freshman year and am concerned about how best to stay in-touch with him. How can I remain involved without being an intrusive "helicopter parent"?
A. Many college students and parents struggle with how to navigate the relational changes and challenges generated by the transition to college. Unfortunately, these challenges often provoke extreme reactions that can be harmful to both college student development and parent-student relationships.
On one extreme are "helicopter parents" whose over-involvement, intrusiveness and controlling behaviors prevent their students from experiencing both real challenge and real success. On another extreme are parents whose laissez-faire attitudes represent a reactive retreat from the parenting role that amounts to a form of abandonment during a time when parents are still needed to perform essential functions.
What most college students need are parents who recognize the need for a gradual transformation of their relationship from parent / adolescent-child to parent / adult-child and who are willing to talk about what this means for their relationship, both behaviorally and emotionally.
While this may sound difficult, parents can increase their chances of success by being mindful of this transformation and starting the necessary conversations and negotiations early; i.e. when the transition to college is close enough to be interesting to the adolescent but far enough away as to not feel overwhelming.
If your adolescent has already left for college, you can still begin these conversations. While in-person conversations are best, conversations via Skype or phone might suffice, so long as all parties feel they are able to communicate a range of subtle thoughts and feelings. Text-based mediums, such as email and instant messaging, are not recommended for such important conversations.
The first conversation parents should have with their students is one about the need to have further conversations concerning the college transition and associated transformations in their relationship. During this conversation, parents should explicitly discuss the purpose of these conversations and establish the goal of remaining supportive and emotionally involved with their students without impeding their developmentally-appropriate needs for privacy, challenge, mastery, and growth.
Parents and students should then discuss their expectations for the frequency and quality of communication once the student departs for college. Included in these discussions should be the need for periodic check-ins concerning the established goal.
Parents and college students should be prepared to discuss whether their involvement is helping or hindering the progressive development of the student and the parent / adult-child relationship.
While such conversations are challenging, most parents and students should find success with a little practice; and, once in place, these conversations should preserve and transform the relationship by securing a continued positive attachment and mitigating other difficult conversations down the line.
David Votruba PhD PLC is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist in private practice in Ann Arbor, MI. A graduate of Grosse Pointe South High School, Dr. Votruba also works for the University of Michigan Division of Student Affairs. He may be reached by phone at 734-929-3700, by email at votruba@gmail.com, or by visiting his website: http://votruba.googlepages.com
Save the Date:
Demystifying the College Process: An Interactive Panel Discussion
A conversation for parents and students (10th, 11th and 12th grade) featuring an interactive panel discussion about real issues facing young adults.
Tuesday, Nov. 3, 6:30pm
Grosse Pointe South High School Auditorium
11 Grosse Pointe Blvd, Grosse Pointe Farms
No Fee
RSVP by Oct. 27 @ 313.432.3832 or info@familycenterweb.org
Parenting the New College Student
The Family Center, a 501(c) 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's centralized hub for information, resources and referral for families and professionals.
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