ASK THE EXPERT: Ted Kasper, MSW
Q: My 7 year old son constantly speaks without thinking about who is around him or where he is. He constantly interrupts others when they are busy and does not know when to be quiet or leave someone else alone. I am constantly telling him when he should be quiet and leave others alone but he does not seem to learn. Any ideas on what I can do to help him?
A: Whatever the reason for your son's annoying behavior, it is our job as parents to raise our child's awareness, provide limits/boundaries and teach self-control. Think of the boundary as a fence. This fence is held up by four fence-posts (one at each corner). These fence-posts are:
1: Raising the awareness level: I have found the best way to raise a child's awareness of their annoying behavior is to "Observe and Run". The parent gently reminds the child that their behavior is annoying and moves on with their business, not waiting for a comment by the child. Some examples are: "That was the silliness I've been talking about", "You might want to think about the noise that your making w/ your mouth", "Do you see what effect your constant tapping has on your sister?" Crucial to Observe & Run: the parent does not belabor the point (or nag). Just one sentence suffices.
2: Teach in proactive ways: Model self-control in similar situations. Discuss your responses when you are both calm and relaxed. Less is more (less verbal is generally more effective) in this situation. Talking about his annoying behaviors also raises your son's awareness level but seeing you model the desired behavior is often more effective. Kids need to know what doing the right thing looks like.
3: Praise Along The Way: It is the wise parent whose response to their child's annoying behavior doesn't only inform the child what is wrong, but also tells them what is right. The parent also will not wait until the child "gets it right": praise small steps towards the appropriate behavior.
4: Develop Tolerance: This fence-post is meant for us parents. Tolerance is the distance a behavior must go (eg, number of times it happens or how bad it gets) before we respond/intervene. I'm not saying to turn a blind eye to what is happening but to remember our role as a teacher and coach to our children.
Ted Kasper is a licensed social worker in Macomb County who is employed by Macomb County Community Mental Health as Training Coordinator. In his private practice, he provides counseling to children, adolescents, adults and families. He specializes in Behavior Analysis & Interventions; Parent Coaching, Mentoring and Support and "SuperNanny Services" (behavioral observation, action planning, and interventions).
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