Mothers & Daughters: Face-Time vs. Facebook - Learning to Communicate Off-Screen

ASK THE EXPERTS: Sean Hogan-Downey, LMSW, LMFT

Q: "I have a daughter who is always busy, how can I get her attention?"

A: "I'm not yelling at you - I'm just talking" - sound familiar? One of the most complex, challenging, confusing, rewarding and meaningful relationships in life can be found between mothers and their daughters.

In this digital age, face-time has become very limited. Mothers on their cell phones, daughters on their PDA find it difficult to make time for one another. Connection is a lifeline for daughters. Mothers are often the closest human connection to them trying to figure out how to become an adult.

To raise a confident young woman, she needs values from those who love her:

• Acceptance/ learning: Make amends and let go of the past.
• Approval: In spite of all the insecurities, imperfections, fears and failures.
• Affection: Gentle/ tender that comes an important huggable moment.
• Authority: Giving up control to accept guidance, love and support from parents.
• Accountability: Following and accepting logical consequences of actions to develop strength and character

Connected mothering requires being truly present and focusing; listening without judgments, which includes managing body language that is disapproving or judgmental; asking questions and validating feelings which does not mean that there is agreement, only that she is truly heard.

Remember you are not your daughters "BFF". Mothers need to be a model to help daughters make positive choices in friends, care/protection of her body and helping her regulate emotions.

Your daughter wants to take control of her future by experimenting with new feelings, attitudes and behaviors which is normal and healthy development. However, if Mom steps in with a parenting style that feels like "smothering" or "helicopter parenting", rebellion is worsened. "Backbone parenting" helps tune into your daughter's changes and to react appropriately. Navigating between girl world and parent planet is a daunting task. Daughters need mothers who set limits with appropriate consequences and are consistent with them.

SEAN HOGAN-DOWNEY, LMSW, LMFT is a Licensed Master Social Worker and Licensed Marriage and Family therapist. She has been in clinical practice for over 30 years. For over 10 years, she has had the pleasure of working at Grosse Pointe Academy as staff consultant and school counselor. Sean is a member of the Youth Program Planning Committee of The Family Center. Contact number: (586) 774-7779.

SAVE THE DATE
Face-Time vs. Facebook: Learning to Communicate Off-Screen A Conversation for Mothers & Daughters
Tues. Feb. 10, 09 (6:30-8:30pm):
Presenter: Sean Hogan Downey, MSW
Grosse Pointe Academy Fieldhouse (171 Lake Shore Road, Grosse Pointe Farms)
No Fee, Refreshments & Dessert will be served
RSVP by Feb 1 @ 313.432.3832

The Family Center, a 501(c) 3, non-profit organization, serves as the community's centralized hub for information, resources and referral for families and professionals.
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